Get Beyond the Guilt

I grew up in a community of pleasers, primarily women, who struggled to say “no.” Surrounded by people who believed it unthinkable to disappoint another, I watched as they stayed up until 3:00 AM making dozens of cookies for church picnics, hosted parties for 40 people after working overtime all week, attended events only to please those who had invited them, volunteered to single-handedly complete tasks that required several people…the list goes on and on. Perhaps it sounds familiar to you?

As you might imagine, this guilt-driven behavior was birthed in me as well. I too have found myself saying “yes” until I was overextended and exhausted. I get in the habit of doing for the sake of others, rather than paying attention to what I actually want to do. And, I can fool myself into thinking it unkind to decline any request of me to serve, host, or help.

When we are caught in the cycle of saying “yes” because we should, need to, have to, we risk losing our sense of self. Our identity is lost among the voices of others, real or imagined. Until we learn to balance our human design to please others with our human design to recognize, respect, and honor our own needs, we will forever be victimized by guilt.

English writer Alan Watts said -

“No work of love will flourish out of guilt, fear, or hollowness of heart.”

Accepting the role of martyr serves no one. Guilt is energy-sapping. Guilt allows us to make choices that do not honor ourselves. And, the presence of guilt prevents us from being our full, creative selves.

Coaching Inquiries: How much on your task list was born from guilt? How could you transform your “I should” and “I have-to do’s” into “I want to” and “I can”?