How are you? Really?

In memory of Margaret Browne, 12/20/1923 - 07/20/2022

Colleague/Client/Vendor: "How are you?

My mouth: "Good. How are you?"

The voice in my head: "Really, really sad. My grandma just died and I have to get through this meeting so I can cry again. Was she scared? Did she remember that I loved her?"

This is the nature of the impersonal interactions we have accepted as "appropriate". "How are you." is delivered with an unspoken agreement that it ends with a period, rather than with the authentic intention of "How are you?" Question mark.

So we proceed with our meetings, pasting on the smile like "shiny happy people" while our insides churn. 

I am fortunate enough to also work and live in spaces where the question is more likely to be "How are you, really?" This question mark comes with an invitation to show up for real; to clear the space before getting down to business. 

In organizations that embrace the coach approach, "getting down to business" includes prioritizing humans over projects. They allow time for small talk, knowing it leads to big collaboration. They are unafraid to welcome the expression of the range of emotions that we bring with us everywhere we go. Yes, even at work we are human. Sometimes raw, sometimes broken.

And, when people ask "How are you?" they mean "Really?"

If you have the opportunity to influence the culture of your organization, start by changing the intention of your questions. Ask them as an invitation to your colleagues to tell their story. 

Try:

• What would make you feel successful today?

• What's made you smile this week?

• What is on your mind? (Or go bold! What is on your heart?)

• Tell me about what is most important to you these days.

• What's one "high point" and "low point" in your world right now?

• Describe how you are feeling right now with a weather pattern (color, season, song...)

• 0-10, what is your energy right now? Tell me more about that.

• I'm feeling (fill in the blank) right now. What's up for you?

• How are you...really?